The Beach

I took a 5 hour drive
I thought I could actually run away from the voice in my head. Out my head…. in my mind ….  words spoken… Echoes down the street a living hell.

Echoes down the street that I am a pediphile, a racists, not good enough, that I’m ugly, fat, that I’m nasty, I’m a whore, incestious… That I’m not good enough. Echoes that bounce off of every body that passes me by. Above my head. 

Sparkles in my eyes around me …. I use to think they were angels…. Angels are now curses. The devil on my back …  in my ear whispering me to my death. 

He said his name was my ex …. I made the mistake of believing him. 

I tried to run away. Far… 

I use to imagine myself as a mermaid …. Swimming in the ocean …this WAS my solitude. 

I arrived at the beach with my father. Waited for peace to set in. 

No sanctuary.

I looked up in the sky a perfect white square flashed above me. Similar to the one in this video. I then started to see four black shadows walking on the side of the road …. They were not people. 

The ocean that was once my solitude became my fear. The waves echoes for me to jump …  For me to drown… To end it all. The waves told me to commit suicide. So the salty ocean became my fear.

The crickets said “God-Damn-IT” all night long as I tried to keep my composer. That night I was held in my sleep/ dream and told that I was going to be a whore for other “spirits” as I struggle to open my arms I was propped up and E.T. was at the window… Which as kinda funny. 

It took me a while to go down to the beach ….. Afraid of people and what might echoe.

I thought that if I was underwater enough I wouldn’t hear him. But yet there he was …

I went back to the campsite disappointed …. Only to be held down in my dreams. Unable to move. It was if my body…. My spirit became a rag doll. 

I heard echoes outside. “Achoo” …. “Fire this one”(me). 

There was nothing I could do to really deal. He wants to make it so suicide is the only option. 

And its not what I want to do. 

Its not.

Its not. 

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